Killing Them Softly...

(How we unknowingly destroy our partners)

Four years ago my client Rose married an incredible man. His big muscles and a badass tattoo drove here insane. The three of them were inseparable: Rose, her man, and his Harley. Rose, a corporate manager usually dressed to the tee turned into a biker chic overnight and looked like she just fell out of a Roadrunner magazine. She was blossoming in this raw, down-to-earth, passionate love affair.

Then two months ago, one late night I get a heartbreaking text from her:” I left Jimmy. He is just not a man enough for me”…

According to Chinese philosophy, two main energies rule this world: yang and yin (male and female). These forces are seemingly opposite yet together they create an interconnected, interdependent wholesome union where each energy complements each other. Yin does not necessarily belong with “females”, while Yang does not necessarily belong with “males”. Each person has a combination of both, and in any type of relationship we need to choose which energy we want to bring forth in various aspects of our lives.

In ANY relationship (homo-, hetero- or trans-sexual), we are supposed to value these differences, accept them and welcome them. However, often we do not observe this balance and become mad at our partner causing our romances break….

Let’s be honest…

Sometimes there is nothing harder in life than to allow our loved ones be themselves.

Just like Rose in my example above, we often see that people in a long relationship or marriage are complaining that their partner – as the year’s race by – is becoming more passive, more sitting on the couch, drinking beer and switching channels on TV.  When Rose met Jimmy, she was attracted to his so-called manly qualities and his manly energy – his bravery, his badass-ness, his flair for adventure. And then as things got serious between them she slowly started to shrink him… or, better say, killing him softly.

Like Rose, we often start picking out the ‘safe’ friends from our partner’s list — the ones that in our opinion would not get them in trouble, and tell them to stay away from the rest.  We ask them to get rid of their bikes, boats (you fill in the blank)… because they are too dangerous (or too silly) for committed relationships. We shorten their time in the gym, or training practices saying, it is time to grow up and get serious.  The list goes on.

We go as far as to giving them a choice: the ‘me or…’ – THAT ultimatum. Of course, our partner chooses us. Unknowingly to them, they’re killing their spirit in order to please us, to let our mind be at peace. Rose did all of this to Jimmy, who gave up all his favorite people and activities in order to please his wife, but deep inside he was unhappy and unfulfilled. Years passed by, and then Rose grew bored and left him for an adventurous wrestler (who was also a bike rider!).

There are many reasons to slowly “kill” our loved ones… We adapt our partners to our own needs, so we don’t feel lonely, so we don’t become widowed, so we don’t need to worry where they are, so they don’t attract others. We subconsciously think, if they are domesticated they are less of interest to others and thus are less of a threat to us.

And our loved ones, because they love us, they do all these things for us – jump through these hoops we created for them.

We marry a warrior and convert them into a comfortable couch potato…

Now, look at the partner you have in your life (if you don’t currently have one, think of the one from your past). What were some qualities that attracted you to them in the first place? How did these qualities change over time? Now be honest with yourself—what is YOUR share in this change?


Dr. Marina Kostina is a bestselling Author, Award-Winning Transformational Coach, Influencer, Healer, and Researcher. She guides consciously-minded individuals on a journey to reclaim the fragmented pieces of their souls. Dr. Kostina helps men and women manifest their biggest dreams and create a lifestyle that brings them freedom by breaking through their lethargic status quo and starting to live ravenously through her healing practice, online coaching, therapy sessions and spiritual retreats all over the world.

This particle was published in Scene Chicago online magazine

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